NO-vember

Today as I write this Ryan is on his way back to Newfoundland after fulfilling (within 5 weeks!)
a three year contract with Lester B. Pearson United World College. Three years ago he went there
as their eco-guardian/lighthouse keeper for Race Rocks. Anyone who has no idea what or where
Race Rocks is should take a look around this website:www.racerocks.com It is indeed a beautiful
place to be. I am pretty sure I couldn't live there for three years, but Ryan has always been a
tenacious free spirit and once a decision is made he will see it through!! And he did! In fine style!
Race Rocks is better for having played host to him! And I know the lightkeeper's house is a
WHOLE lot better than it was when he moved in! With pride I have followed his adventures,
exploits and accomplishments. But isn't that exactly what you'd expect from a momma who has
always been her son's biggest fan? I am happy to have him home even if it is just for two short
months before him and his lady love go to the Phillipines on yet another adventure!


There was another November, 8 years ago when there was a lot of flying happening in Ryan (and
Erin's life). First to Ottawa to celebrate their grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, then back
to school and then home again to say good bye to their Dad. Such a sad time in their lives. In
OUR lives. Divorce when there are no children has to be a little like severing a business
partnership. "We had some good times but they're over now. Good-bye." But a divorce when
there are children means that no matter how animostic the parting, if you are human at all you'll
want what's best for the children so you will cooperate to the point of being bent into pretzel
shapes to make good on that pledge. You will share special events in your child's life whether
that means looking at each other across the table at Thanksgiving or being in same auditorium as
they perform in a Christmas Concert. You share and share as much alike as is humanly,
humanely possible. And in the end one of you will be left behind. Hopefully it will be when you're
both in your 90's and your great-great grandchildren are asked to sing at your funeral... but
inevitably one of you will really and truly become a single parent. And you don't have to share
anymore.


Well let me tell you, this is one woman who wishes she could share. It hasn't been an easy 8
years. I miss his quirky messages on the phone, his levelheaded responses to teenage angst and
acting up. I miss being able to say, "Ask your Dad." And I miss how he balanced my sometimes
neurotic over-protectedness. I miss my children's dad. And that isn't a bad thing. Missing him has
made me be a better person. I am grounded and I know what is important in life. Missing him has
made me try and be a better mother, tho' I have probably failed miserably in my attempts. I keep
trying. I can't be as funny or as quirky as he was. Or as reasonable and tolerant as he was. And I
don't think Ryan and Erin expect me to be. I know that for now just "BEING" is enough security
for them as they have both found love in their lives and are embarking and re-embarking on their
career journeys.

Two years ago I wrote the following and it is as true today as it was then.

November
by Lori O'Brien on Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 2:36am
I wrote this tonight after talking to Ryan:

November is the time of year when the winds turn cold and demanding and begs you to pay
attention to their force - their strength. November strips all colour from the the trees and turns
those colours to brown crinkled bits of what used to be. November trees sway and bend doing
their dance of mourning, beckoning you to look and never understanding why you who just
weeks before stood in open mouthed wonder at their magnificence now regard them with such
disdain.

November is that time of year wedged between the bright days of fall and the clear shining days
of winter. Gone is the flurry of excitement of new beginnings at school and the comfort of family
sharing turkey and prayers of thanksgiving. Not yet do you feel the tug of Christmas excitement
and the anticipation of the jolly old man working his magic in your heart, no matter your age or
expectations. November is the transition of one season to another, however bleak that transition
may be.

November shouts at you to remember.Remember the bright days that have gone before, now just
a fading memory. Remember the fallen - the fallen leaves, the fallen soldiers, the fallen.
Remember the pain of letting go. November commands you to remember the desperation, the
anguish, the agony of being helpless and tormented and despairing. The pain stays firmly in
place, after years of remembering. The pain still there. Maybe not as sharp and wretching, but
unbearable just the same. Changing and evolving, but never easing.

November gives you time. Long evenings and slow starting mornings. Solitude and aloneness in
which to think. All the days of all the other months tumble by in rapid succession. You live those
days as they are given, but November turns you backward with your what ifs, and whys and if
onlys. November lays your questions at your feet and you're forced year 4, year 5, year 6 to wish
and wonder.

No answers.
No do overs.
No going back.
No comfort.
November.


I love you my babies,
Momma/Mama
XO

So as icy, windy November whips through our lives one more time, I hope they know that as

always, if they need me, I am here with lots of love to give... in Lethbridge.